He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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