Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
