I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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