I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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