what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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