I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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