evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
