the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
