pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
