Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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