Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
