Soap is not a condiment
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
