Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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