Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
