cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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