im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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