i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
