Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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