eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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