Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
