How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
