i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
