I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
BRING THE BAGELS
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
