so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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