took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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