i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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