She said her name was "party"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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