I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
