i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Actions speak louder than pants.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
