I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They are going to name an STD after you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
