Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
