Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
