I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
