I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
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Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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