For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
