I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
