dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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