btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Cover your peen. We're going out.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
