Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
