The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
