VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His nipple licking is glorious
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