He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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