fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Green mimosas i think yes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
