Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is my gift to your gina
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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