you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
