Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
