we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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