there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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