Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How does one acquire holy water?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
