Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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