Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
