I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
