I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
