I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
