i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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