So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
