yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
