So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
are you so shy because you have an std?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i've created a new STD.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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