Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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