You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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