So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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