I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
